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Words Women Use (and what they really mean)

FINE

This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

 FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.  

NOTHING

This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".  

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.  

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".  

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.  

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".  

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

 

Vacation Plans

Larry goes to see his travel agent.

"Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?"
"Yes, but I need to ask for something different."

"Go ahead ask me."
"You know last year you suggested Hawaii and when I returned
my wife was pregnant."

"Yes, but. . ."
"And the year before you suggested Bermuda and when I returned
my wife was pregnant."

"Yes, but. . ."
"And the year before that I went to Bali and when I returned
my wife was pregnant."

"Yes."
"Well! Could you suggest something cheaper this year so that
I can bring her with me?"

TEDDY BEARS

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up
leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her
apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor medium sized
ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of
teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to
mention this to her. He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each
others clothes off and make love.


After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the
afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

Lawyer Humor

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm  while these exchanges were actually taking place: 

Q: What is your date of birth? 
A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. 

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
A: I forget. 
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? 

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? 
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
Q: How long has he lived with you? 
A: Forty-five years. 

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? 
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" 
Q: And why did that upset you? 
A: My name is Susan. 

Q: And where was the location of the accident? 
A: Approximately milepost 499. 
Q: And where is milepost 499? 
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. 

Q: Sir, what is your IQ? 
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. 

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? 
A: After the accident? 
Q: Before the accident. 
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. 

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? 
A: We both do. 
Q: Voodoo? 
A: We do. 
Q: You do? 
A: Yes, voodoo. 

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? 
A: Yes. 
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? 
A: Yes, sir. 
Q: What did she say? 
A: What disco am I at? 


Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? 

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? 

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And what were you doing at that time? 

Q: She had three children, right? 
A: Yes. 
Q: How many were boys? 
A: None. 
Q: Were there any girls? 

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? 

Q: How was your first marriage terminated? 
A: By death. 
Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 

Q: Can you describe the individual? 
A: He was about medium height and had a beard. 
Q: Was this a male, or a female? 

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney? 
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. 

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 
A: Oral. 

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? 
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. 

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
 A: No. 
Q: Did you check for blood pressure? 
A: No. 
Q: Did you check for breathing? 
A: No. 
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
A: No. 
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? 
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

 

 

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